‘Tonight Show’: Jimmy Fallon’s Best One-Liners Of The Week

JImmy Fallon Hosts 'The Tonight Show' On NBC

Not everyone can stay awake until 11:35 PM.

Luckily, the fine folks at NBC have put together this list of the best punchlines from THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON.

Here’s what you missed last week:

Monday, December 8

Welcome to the Tonight Show! I’m your host – “completely exhausted.”

Yeah, last week, my wife and I welcomed our second child, Frances Cole Fallon! Which explains why our show will now be called “Early Evenings Starring Jimmy Fallon”- starts at 8:30 until I pass out at 8:45.

That’s right, now I live with three females. Or as Obama put it (OBAMA) “Who’s laughing now, funny man?”

Yep, Franny was born in early December – which means that for the next 18 years, December 25th will be known as “Second Chance To Get It Right With Her Presents Day.” It’s like, (TWEEN SARA) “I already HAVE this Harry Styles poster, DAD! I wanted the NEW one!” I thought– “Well it’s not the new one!”

It’s gonna be so much fun for Winnie to have a little sister. Sharing dresses with her, painting her nails, letting her play with her Barbies. Or as MY big sister put it, “Ah – brings back memories…”

My wife and I couldn’t be happier to be parents for a second time. While our dog Gary was like, “Wait, am I adopted?” It’s a tough conversation to have. You know you don’t look like the rest of us?

Here’s some news out of Washington. President Obama went to the hospital this weekend because of a sore throat, but it turned out to be acid reflux. Some say it was a bit of an overreaction, then Obama was like (OBAMA), “Uh, did YOU have to spend the last few months hugging Ebola people?” Call me when that happens and we’ll see if I overreacted.

Yeah President Obama went to the hospital this weekend because of a sore throat.  Everything is fine, but it was a little awkward when they asked what insurance he uses, and he was like, “Blue Cro – uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh- Obamacare.”

And last week, President Obama met with Native American Leaders at the White House during the annual White House Tribal Nations Conference, and I heard Obama is actually known to the leaders as “Black Eagle.” Even the owner of the Redskins was like, “Now THAT seems  a little racist.” Couldn’t think of a different name?

Check this out. Today, Time Magazine revealed the final eight candidates for its person of the year, and get this, the list includes both Vladimir Putin and Taylor Swift. Even Putin was like, (PUTIN) “You know what? Give to Taylor. I do NOT want her holding grudge against me. I have seen the way this works out…give it to her.”

Here’s some news out of North Korea. There are reports that the country has banned all newborn babies from being named Kim Jong Un. Which is why my wife and I played it safe and went with “Frances Cole.” Honey, I got a curveball idea. How about Kim Jung Un?

And finally, SOUTH Korea is getting into the holiday spirit. That’s right, they recently announced plans to set up a 30-foot-tall Christmas tree at its border with North Korea. And not to be outdone, North Korea let an elf rule its country.


Tuesday, December 9

Of course everyone is very excited about Prince William and Kate Middleton visiting New York City. Last night they went to a Brooklyn Nets game and actually met up with Jay Z and Beyoncé afterwards. When asked what it was like meeting real royalty, William and Kate were like, (BRITISH) “Amazing!” (Even MORE bootylicious in person!)

Here’s a little celebrity gossip. It’s rumored that Miley Cyrus made out with Paris Hilton during a party in Miami last week. Miley said, “Wow, it’s my first time.” Paris said, “Kissing a girl?” And Miley said, “No, kissing an old person.” (She looks great for 33- just saying.)

Some TV news. I saw that Howard Stern is returning as a judge for the tenth season of “America’s Got Talent.” Still not returning this year? Talent. Another year of no talent. “Wait – you say you can kick yourself in the butt? Show us what you got!”

And here’s some pretty big sports new. I saw that Umpire Dale Scott recently became the first Major League umpire to come out as gay. Well, HE says he’s out, but the OTHER ump said he was safe, so now we have to wait to see what the replay says.

Yeah, umpire Dale Scott came out during an interview with Referee Magazine. It’s a huge shock – you know, that there’s something called Referee Magazine. “Is it here yet?? Is it?! I have to wait another couple of days for my new Referee Magazine. Did my Parking Meter Magazine come in yet? You get to see all those pictures of parking meters. I guess I’ll just wait until next month…

Listen to this. Microsoft said that it will no longer offer Clip Art for people using Microsoft Word. They say it could be a small inconvenience for Word users, and a devastating blow for church newsletters. “Oh look – they have a cat in a chef’s outfit for the potluck dinner!”

A little more tech news. Might be a good gift idea for the holidays. A company in California has released an extra-large tablet computer that is actually the size of a small television. They say it’s the perfect tablet for every idiot you stand behind at a concert. (HOLDING UP) “I’ll put this on Youtube!”

Here’s another gift idea. Starbucks is offering a limited number of sterling silver gift cards that cost 200 dollars. Yeah, they say it’s a very classy way of saying, “I know nothing about you.”

And finally, I thought this was interesting. New research has found that 84 percent of vegetarians and vegans ultimately return to eating meat. Yeah, it turns out the way animals are treated is NOTHING compared to how people treat vegetarians.


Wednesday, December 10

I saw that Time Magazine has named “Ebola Fighters” the 2014 Person of the Year.  The Ebola fighters said they were honored to be chosen and look forward to the ceremony.  Then Time said, “Oh no, we’ll just mail them to you…” (Just tell us where you’re quarantined — LIVE! Tell us where you live.)

And this is interesting. Yesterday, Facebook revealed that Ebola was the most popular Facebook topic in the U.S. this year, with the World Cup coming in sixth. So welcome to America – where even EBOLA is more popular than soccer.

Of course the big news out of Washington is this report on CIA interrogation techniques. And today President Obama was talking about the report and praised our country’s ability to quote, “face our imperfections, make changes and do better.” Which sounds less like a speech on torture, and more like the comments on a kindergartner’s report card. “Timmy plays well with others, but needs to waterboard less.”

Yeah, it’s nothing but trouble for Obama these days. In fact according to a new poll, 55 percent of Americans think Republicans focus more on pushing Obama’s buttons than actually pursuing their agenda. Then Republicans said, “Not true – pushing his buttons IS our agenda.”

Yeah, people think Republicans focus too much on pushing Obama’s buttons. Incidentally, “pushing Obama’s buttons” is also the reason why Biden isn’t allowed in the Oval Office anymore. “What’s that big red one do?” (OBAMA) “Well that WAS Madagascar.”

Some more political news. I read that many Republicans think the fact that Chris Christie is still standing strong after his “Bridgegate” scandal could make him an even better presidential candidate in 2016.  But that’s not surprising – I mean, everyone knows Weebles wobble, but they do NOT fall down.

And during a recent interview, Jeb Bush’s brother Neil said that their mother has “come around” to the idea of Jeb running for president in 2016. Cuz if there’s anything that says you’re qualified to be President, it’s your own Mom going, (SIGH) “I guess you could do it.”

The contestants for the next season of “The Bachelor” were announced, and some of their jobs include “Sports Fishing Enthusiast” and “Cadaver Tissue Saleswoman.” Even LinkedIn was like, “Sorry – that sounds too made up. (DUMB) “I’m a plant psycho therapist?”

And this isn’t good. I saw that some researchers are claiming that due to climate change, the population of reindeer is rapidly declining.  Of course, the person this hurts most is Santa. Now he’s like, “On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Uber!” (Nose not shiny enough. 3 out of 5 stars). Sorry, not sorry.

Here’s some good news. According to a new survey, the amount of job openings in the U.S. hit its highest rate in almost 13 years this October. The most common positions: “Sports Fishing Enthusiast” and  “Cadaver Tissue Saleswoman.”

And finally with the holidays coming up, we’re all trying to eat healthier. So you might want to listen to this. Cheerios is releasing its new “Ancient Grains” cereal next year, which will be made with quinoa, Kamut wheat, and spelt. Yeah, it’s the first cereal where the prize at the bottom of the box IS the bottom of the box. (RELIEVED) “Oh, thank God it’s over with. That was exhausting.”


Thursday, December 11

I saw that this week’s Senate report on the CIA’s interrogation techniques suggested that George Bush and Dick Cheney did not know the location of the detention facilities. Then Cheney was like, (CHENEY) “Part of the thrill was finding them on my own!”

Yeah, George Bush and Dick Cheney may not have known the location of the detention facilities. Though in fairness, it took Bush three years to figure out the location of the White House. (BUSH) “Is it in Washington State heh heh??”

I read that yesterday, the U.S. Navy unveiled its first laser gun onboard a ship in the Persian Gulf. They’re calling it a great way to fight terrorists, and a REALLY great way to mess with cats thousands of miles away. (TRY TO POUNCE ON LASER) Where is this coming from?!

Here’s a local story. This weekend is Santacon, where thousands of people dress up like Santa and go from bar to bar getting drunk. And I saw that in preparation for the event, the organization has hired popular civil rights lawyer Norman Siegel to represent them. That’s when you know you need to get your life together – when you hire a lawyer BEFORE you even go drinking. (Trust me – I’ll need it.) Got my rat lingerie…

And get this, I read about a company in New York that makes wine-infused ice cream, which includes Cherry Merlot, Chocolate Cabernet, and Peach White Zinfandel. They say the ice cream’s only meant for grownups – who have really rowdy children. “Here ya go, Dylan a couple licks of this- see you in 12 hours. Mommy’s gotta go to Santa Con.”

Friday, December 12

I saw that next week, Joe Biden will assist in the 35th annual lighting of the National Menorah at the White House. When he heard that, Smokey the Bear was like, “Hold my calls.” (This is NOT gonna end well.)

Speaking of Biden. This week, he said that he will finally decide on a potential 2016 presidential campaign by the spring or the summer. Then he was like, “Whichever comes first.”

And this is pretty interesting. According to a new poll, Jeb Bush is the only potential 2016 candidate that would beat Hillary Clinton in the state of Florida. But that could all change if Pitbull gets into the race. (Very big in Florida.)

I thought this was nice. During his weekly address the other day, Pope Francis assured the crowd that all animals go to heaven. Then cats were like, (CONFUSED) “Have you MET us?”

And this very exciting. Yesterday the Golden Globe nominations were announced, but some people are upset that “The Walking Dead,” “Modern Family” and “Interstellar” were all snubbed this year. It’s OK, President Obama has issued an executive action granting them all a path to a nomination. (OBAMA) “Uh…The system is broken, everybody knows it.”

Hey speaking of movies, new research has found that the average adult subscriber spends a little over five hours per week watching Netflix. And a little over six hours per week navigating through Netflix. (REMOTE: Back… Back… Up… Search… B-A-T Select. Select. No, back.) B-A…Delete. B-A…-B ugh. Oh guys. Am I in movies or television? Ugh!!

If you have kids you might want to listen to this. I just read that more public schools are offering single-sex classes in an attempt to keep boys and girls less distracted. When asked if it was helping, the kids were like (TEXTING ON PHONE, LOOK UP) “Sorry, what were you saying? Playing Minecraft.”

Actually, did you see this? During his trip to New York City this week, Prince William revealed that his son, Prince George loves playing games on the iPad, and that it’s a great way for him to learn about electronics. You know, cuz you do NOT want that kid hitting the job market without any skills. (Prince George is just like the rest of us.) 


Sean Daly

Sean Daly

Editor-In-Chief at TheTVPage.com
Sean Daly is a veteran entertainment journalist.His work has appeared in People, Us Weekly, The Toronto Star and other top publications. He was the west coast TV reporter for The New York Post from 2008 - 2013. Sean is the author of Inside AGT: The Untold Stories of America's Got Talent and Teen Mom Confidential: Secrets and Scandals From MTV's Most Controversial Shows.
Sean Daly